![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
audrellsMy grandmother died in mid-May, at the ripe old age of 101 years old. Her health had been going steadily downhill, but her mind was still pretty sharp. At the century mark she was more alert and engaged than a lot of people I've seen in their mere 70s. We knew she probably wouldn't make it until Christmas, but I'd hoped for at least Fall. I would have loved for her to have made it through the next school year so she could see her great-grandson (whom she's helped raise) graduate high school. I grew up with her and my grandfather (who died in 1990) just three miles away, and they were a huge part of my child- and young adulthood. It's hard to imagine life without Grandmom.
Things went pretty well with the service and will-reading, etc., but I found myself yet again realizing why so many families just disintigrate when there's a death. People are upset, on edge, and any little thing can set them off. There was only one big blowout (well, two, but involving the same people), and it wasn't terribly surprising. I do wish it could have been avoided, though.
I found myself feeling somewhat guilty/shamed a few times over my reactions to things. For instance, when I got the call at 3 a.m. that she had passed, my first thought was "there goes the house". I love my grandmother, and yet my first thought was to my own financial situation now that she wouldn't be sending me any money to help pay my mortgage. That is just so wrong.
Certain items were bequeathed to various kids and grandkids and friends of the family. My mom and one of her sisters had started an inventory of jewelry and such with Grandmom, but hadn't been through a lot of it. One of the things we did before the rest of the family got in was go through the list and separate out the items Grandmom wanted people to have, and try to figure out what to do with items she hadn't decided on, particularly things she had listed for multiple people. While we're doing this, I found myself getting upset because I was getting, well, nothing. An old bronze doorstop, but that was it. Meanwhile, relatives I know she didn't particularly like were getting the really nice jewelry and stuff. I felt simultaneously angry and shamed for being so mercenary. I did get several pieces of nice costume jewelry, but there were a lot of things that went to people I didn't think they should (even if they were things I didn't want).
It was an odd position. I was helping out (with funeral arrangements, the lawyer, the florist, the will) because that's what you do, and because I'm the closest grandkid. In my family, if you're there, you get put to work, lol! I didn't really have a say in how anything was divvied up, tho, because A) that's really up to her children, not me, and B) since I'm getting financial support from various family it's not really my place to say "I want that" about her belongings. If I wasn't relying on them for my mortgage (I don't recommend unemployment, BTW) maybe I would have been more aggressive about some thing? Probably not, since I hate conflict, but at least I'd have been in a better position.
I don't know. The whole thing is driving me a little nuts because I shouldn't be feeling so grabby and mercenary about things. They're just things. Most of them had no personal meaning to me. And yet when Grandmom dies I go all greedy. No wonder people get into fights over wills, even if there's no money involved. If I was one of those people who speak now and think later there could have been huge fights. Instead, I just stepped back and reminded myself this wasn't a big deal. Fifteen years in the pastoral care department paid off, I guess, since I've seen so many people get so ugly over these kinds of things, and I don't want to be that kind of person.
Still, even though I didn't act on them or verbalize them, I wish I'd never thought those hateful greedy thoughts in the first place.
Things went pretty well with the service and will-reading, etc., but I found myself yet again realizing why so many families just disintigrate when there's a death. People are upset, on edge, and any little thing can set them off. There was only one big blowout (well, two, but involving the same people), and it wasn't terribly surprising. I do wish it could have been avoided, though.
I found myself feeling somewhat guilty/shamed a few times over my reactions to things. For instance, when I got the call at 3 a.m. that she had passed, my first thought was "there goes the house". I love my grandmother, and yet my first thought was to my own financial situation now that she wouldn't be sending me any money to help pay my mortgage. That is just so wrong.
Certain items were bequeathed to various kids and grandkids and friends of the family. My mom and one of her sisters had started an inventory of jewelry and such with Grandmom, but hadn't been through a lot of it. One of the things we did before the rest of the family got in was go through the list and separate out the items Grandmom wanted people to have, and try to figure out what to do with items she hadn't decided on, particularly things she had listed for multiple people. While we're doing this, I found myself getting upset because I was getting, well, nothing. An old bronze doorstop, but that was it. Meanwhile, relatives I know she didn't particularly like were getting the really nice jewelry and stuff. I felt simultaneously angry and shamed for being so mercenary. I did get several pieces of nice costume jewelry, but there were a lot of things that went to people I didn't think they should (even if they were things I didn't want).
It was an odd position. I was helping out (with funeral arrangements, the lawyer, the florist, the will) because that's what you do, and because I'm the closest grandkid. In my family, if you're there, you get put to work, lol! I didn't really have a say in how anything was divvied up, tho, because A) that's really up to her children, not me, and B) since I'm getting financial support from various family it's not really my place to say "I want that" about her belongings. If I wasn't relying on them for my mortgage (I don't recommend unemployment, BTW) maybe I would have been more aggressive about some thing? Probably not, since I hate conflict, but at least I'd have been in a better position.
I don't know. The whole thing is driving me a little nuts because I shouldn't be feeling so grabby and mercenary about things. They're just things. Most of them had no personal meaning to me. And yet when Grandmom dies I go all greedy. No wonder people get into fights over wills, even if there's no money involved. If I was one of those people who speak now and think later there could have been huge fights. Instead, I just stepped back and reminded myself this wasn't a big deal. Fifteen years in the pastoral care department paid off, I guess, since I've seen so many people get so ugly over these kinds of things, and I don't want to be that kind of person.
Still, even though I didn't act on them or verbalize them, I wish I'd never thought those hateful greedy thoughts in the first place.
